Dear DC Tourists....

I think it's wonderful that you want to travel to my lovely city -- I hope that you can come to see that it is much more than just the location of the Federal Government with lots of shiny white monuments and free museums. I have a great hope for this now that you are all coming in droves due to the fact that Obama has suddenly made DC "cool." (Just ask MTV. The next season of The Real World is in DC. And I can tell ya, everybody here hates them already!)

There are a few issues I would like to address though:

1. There is a lovely loop announcement played in the Metro system that starts off: "New to Metro?..." That's your cue! Listen up! It tells you great things like, stand on the right side of the escalator so that you will avoid being screamed at by a hurried politician with a blood vessel on the verge of bursting. It will also tell you not to try to pry open the Metro doors if they start closing. What part of "this is not an elevator door" don't you understand. DC Metro doors equal JAWS OF DEATH. If you hear the nice voice say "step back, doors closing," get the hell out of the way.

2. Also Metro related... Please use the farecard machines and NOT the SmarTrip card machines. YOU are a TOURIST... you don't have a SmarTrip. I cannot use the farecard machines to recharge my SmarTrip. Those ugly grey and brown machines are for YOU. I get the pretty blue one. Deal.

*the following are all restaurant related because I am an employee of one of the many lovely eating places in the city. *

3. Yes, an imported draft beer costs over 7 dollars. This is DC. It's expensive. Not New York expensive, but still expensive. Enjoy your beer and your 5 dollar Obama pin.

4. Foreign tourists: we tip 15 to 18 percent here. not 10%. not 5%. and definitely not 0%. You might be surprised to learn that my salary is about $2.50 per hour. Pay me please!

5. American tourist from the middle of nowhere USA: we tip 15-18% here. Maybe it's ok to tip 10% in your tiny little middle of the US town, but my rent is probably 4 times more expensive.

6. The restaurant says Tex-Mex on it... do not come in here and ask me what a burrito is. seriously?



I realize that a lot of tourists are on a budget when they travel, but please educate yourselves on the prices of things in the city you are visiting and plan accordingly. The next person who wants to know exactly how much each beer costs, how much a side of sour cream costs, and if mayo on a burger costs extra will immediately receive shitty service... because I KNOW you definitely didn't bring money to tip me. So do us all a favor and go to McDonald's.